Victimhood (2020) Painting by Grigosashe

This piece is about accepting abusive behaviour, holding onto the abuser despite the negative impact on life.

The character in this painting injects abuse like a drug into their arm. The receiving arm is tied with a ribbon that has a blue sky and white clouds pattern on it, as the victim constantly hopes that it will get better after yet another cycle of abuse. Spinning around this action there are colours purple & yellow, contrasting. Echoing euphoria and suffering, pleasure and pain, perfection and chaos...


If you ever participated in a conversation about abuse in couples chances are you’ve heard some version of the sentence “How can someone stay in a relationship like that, why don’t they leave?” Maybe you had even said it yourself. 
In my life experience, sadly, all of this had been the story, until about a year ago, and hence I'm here to tell you all about it.

I learned the answer to this question first hand. 

The truth of an abusive relationship is that it's not an all-bad experience – if it was, leaving would indeed be easy. Like all relationships it goes though many phases, the victim is hyper-idealised by the abuser in the ‘honeymoon phase’, for example, more more than in a normal relationship, it is akin to a fairytale, it feels like finding your perfect partner, the one, a soulmate, love of your life... you name it. The feelings are stronger, than in any normal relationship.
All the pleasure hormones are triggered in that time, the victim gets ‘hooked’, just like in a drug addiction, and the abuse cycle begins, in which the 'reward' (more pleasure hormones) it then withheld and given in fractions of what was given before.
And though it may feel incredibly out of place, the victim still feels guilty and seeks reconciliation as fast as possible, trying to bring satisfaction to the abuser in every way that they can. Feeling in control brings pleasure to the abuser, the victim is rewarded, the cycle continues. 



Once I started my journey towards recovery, I realised that this was not the only experience with a similar dynamic in my life. My subconscious ‘agreement’ to accept inappropriate, even harmful behaviour from people had been extending beyond my romantic relationships. I was attracting psychological abusers into my friendships as well.

I was brought up to accept mistreatment, with the mentality that victimhood is a mark of ‘goodness’ in a person. I felt compelled to accept inappropriate treatment from others so they don't get angry or so that I don't feel like the bad person.
 I would forgive my partner and stay in a relationship despite the repetition of the same wrongdoings. I naturally compromised my personal boundaries just so he didn’t get upset & make a scene. I was the first one to apologise even when it was clearly not my fault, because I couldn’t stand being ignored for hours if not days, only to receive more blame, guilt trips or aggression in return.

My mind was fixated on my partner. All I could think about was finding ways to please him or avoid getting him angry. I was not living my own life, I had no time for that, no mind space to even think about it. Just looking for the next ‘fix’.



Luckily, I got a chance to recognise these things, thanks to my ever supportive brother. Then, though hours of soul-searching I found that psychologists and spiritual teachers alike advised getting out of the victim role, a role I didn't even know I was playing, “as long as you're the victim they are the tyrant” was the statement. Part of this was my responsibility.
 But first I had to see the damage.

The hardest thing about these situations is to see the problem.


I started recognising victim patterns gradually. My progress was slow. Much like in a rehab, with relapses into old habits. I had to learn to say ‘no’ and to set boundaries. I had to get him out of my routines. I had to break our usual communication patterns. I had to learn that the ‘reward’ was not the only real part of the relationship and it was certainly not worth the suffering. It was a strong temptation to re-experience the fairytale that was never real.



I dedicate this piece to those still in the victim role. I hope you recognise the situation you are in and remember who you truly are. You have the power to break free.


Related themes

Abusive RelationshipAbusive RelationshipsToxic RelationshipPoisonous LoveAddiction