Added Aug 19, 2023

Victimhood
This piece is about accepting abusive behaviour, holding onto the abuser unable to let go, despite the negative impact on life.
The character in this painting injects abuse like a drug into their arm. The receiving arm is tied with a ribbon that has a blue sky and white clouds pattern on it, as the victim constantly hopes that it will get better after yet another cycle of abuse. Spinning around this action there are colours purple & yellow, contrasting. Echoing euphoria and suffering, pleasure and pain, perfection and chaos...
If you ever participated in a conversation about abuse in couples chances are you’ve heard some version of the sentence “How can someone stay in a relationship like that, why won’t they leave?” Maybe you had even said it yourself.
In my life experience, sadly, all of this had been the story, until around 2021, and hence I'm here to tell you all about it.
I learnt the answer to this question first hand. I've been on both side of this question. Like many, I wondered how it was possible.
The truth of an abusive relationship is that it isn't, believe it or not, an all-bad experience – if it was, leaving would indeed be easy. Like all relationships it goes though many phases, the victim is hyper-idealised by the abuser in the ‘honeymoon phase’, much more than in a normal relationship, it is akin to a fairytale, it feels like finding your perfect partner, the one, a soulmate, love of your life... you name it. The feelings are intense, much stronger, vivid and the experiences are truly unforgettable. Every other partnership pales in comparison.
All the pleasure hormones are triggered in that time, the victim gets ‘hooked’, just like in a drug addiction, and the abuse cycle begins. The abuser withholds the 'reward' (more pleasure hormones) to manipulate the victim (often subconsciously), gives it out in fractions and gradually reduces the amount. The victim is left hoping for more and in the context of the relationship - tried to get the "good times" back, the ones that they had at the very start.
The abuser blames the victim for both their doings in a conflict and though it may seem incredibly out of place, the victim still feels guilty and seeks reconciliation as fast as possible, trying to bring satisfaction to the abuser in every way that they can - bring back the good times, bring back the pleasure. This gives the abuser a feeling of being in control, so the victim is rewarded & the cycle continues.
Once I started my journey towards recovery, I realised that this was not the only experience with a similar dynamic in my life. My subconscious ‘agreement’ to accept inappropriate, even harmful behaviour from people had been extending beyond my romantic relationships. I was attracting psychological abusers into my friendships as well.
I was brought up to accept mistreatment, with the mentality that victimhood is a mark of ‘goodness’ in a person. I felt compelled to accept inappropriate treatment from others so they don't get angry or so that I don't feel like the bad person.
I would forgive my partner and stay in a relationship despite the repetition of the same wrongdoings. I naturally compromised my personal boundaries just so he didn’t get upset & make a scene. I was the first one to apologise even when it was clearly not my fault, because I couldn’t stand being ignored for hours if not days, only to receive more blame, guilt trips or aggression in return.
My mind was fixated on my partner. All I could think about was finding ways to please him or avoid getting him angry. I was not living my own life, I had no time for that, no mind space to even think about it. Just looking for the next ‘fix’.
Luckily, I got a chance to recognise these things, thanks to my ever supportive brother. Then, through many hours of research and soul-searching I found that psychologists and spiritual teachers alike advised getting out of the victim role, a role I didn't even know I was playing, “as long as you're the victim they are the tyrant” was the statement I came across repeatedly.
The message of the world to me read: part of this was my responsibility.
The first step however was to recognise the damage.
The hardest thing about these situations is to see that there is indeed a problem.
There was a real, objective problem in the relationship that I considered to be the best one I ever had, the love of my life, a fairytale. The biggest disillusionment till then.
I started recognising victim patterns gradually within myself. My progress was slow. Much like in a rehab, with relapses into old habits. I had to learn to say ‘no’ and to set boundaries. I had to get him out of my routines. I had to break our usual communication patterns. I had to learn that the ‘reward’ was not the only real part of the relationship and it was certainly not worth the suffering. There was a strong temptation to re-experience the fairytale that was never real. The pull towards him was powerful.
Eventually, I made a choice between myself and him. It was time to focus on my own life. Getting 'off the needle' slowly, just like in a rehab. What came later is the most beautiful rediscovery of myself.
I dedicate this piece to those still in the victim role. I hope you recognise the situation you are in and remember who you truly are. You have the power to break free. Take that power back into your hands