Sashka

The kind of rebirth I portray here is experienced after significant trauma, where the old self - the false self - is shattered, you do not know who you are anymore, you cannot identify with the things you defined as yourself, you are split open...but through that crack - there is now access to the gentle core, one that's been covered up with layers and layers of stories...

The reason I call the ‘old self’ ‘false’ is because in the process of getting socialised and becoming adults we take on many habits, traits, behaviours that have nothing to do with who we actually are deep down, simply to fit in with the societal norms.

Growing up, we adapt to our environment: parents, teachers and other adults in our lives raise us in accordance with what they feel is right (to them) and often in accordance with what's the most convenient at any one time, as they have their own lives to live alongside.
As a result, we had to reject, disown, disassociate from some of our personal traits - they are still within, but had to go into the shadow, creating a split within the personality, an inner conflict. In the next chapters of life, our minds put us into various situations that force us to reintegrate those traits, through triggering moments, events, relationships which get progressively more difficult if we fail to learn our lesson repeatedly.

Eventually, if we put off dealing with it long enough - as we often do - this can lead to (re)traumatising experiences, where change becomes inevitable ...

Rebirth involves the death of the old self. It is a challenging time of dissolution of identity and previous beliefs, a time of mourning. It can feel rather empty, frustrating, lonely... It is a time that allows to see how much of the old identity was projected upon us by someone else, how much of our expectations from ourselves were internalised expectations of the outside world. It is a time when one can feel broken, defeated, directionless… but it’s also a chance to build the self back up, this time - in complete alignment with our truth. It can become an exciting journey towards rediscovery, a journey of redefining and recreation of a new life. This time, building it, block by block in accordance with what we were truly meant to be and what we were truly meant to do in this world.
This process of reintegration involves embracing our inner child, learning to meet its needs, learning to see and meet our own needs: learning to live our truth. It is a skill and it takes practice and patience to see, to feel, to try on for size. It's like meeting a new person, from the start and learning what they are like.

The red to purple colours on the upper part of the painting represent the 7 chakras, from Root to Crown, bottom to top, symbolising complete alignment - this is when the true self is integrated, completely.The dissolving cracked body beneath it represents the dissolution of the false self and the flaking off of outside expectations, projections, beliefs that we used to live by but don't identify with anymore.

51.5 x 57 cm / 20 x 22.5 inch
Acrylic, mineral eco paint on hardboard
2023 08

Hey there, I'm Sash and I'm a painter. I live near a small village on a ranch that I call the Artfarm.

Back when I gave Artfarm its name, I did not realise the full impact of its meaning.

I called it that because it had elements of both Art and Farm. We (me & my ex partner) were growing our own vegetables and we filled the place with art. Art has always been the thing for me, that defined my being the most and so, in the name as well it had to be central.

Now, 4 years into the project, having gone through many changes, adjustments, shifts, transformations, both on the property and internally, in my life and spirit, I can safely state, that the meaning of the word Farm stands for much more than just growing vegetables.

I have grown as a person a lot! As a result of which I have also grown as an artist.

Having access to so much space and solitude has led me to see some of my shadow traits and start bringing them into light. 

Amazingly, growth didn't just happen for me.

By allowing many young people to come to my farm for parties, music events, art days, workshops, BBQs and feel free. Come and express themselves, feel themselves. I have contributed to their growth as well.

Many artists had their debuts on the Artfarm and went on to pursue their passion further, with more confidence, more vigour.

So Artfarm has actually become a place for "farming artists" 😄 i.e. a place for planting the seed, grooming, flowering and finally - fruiting 🌱🌺🫐

These things have happened for them and for me... this is an incredibly humbling experience, one that brings tears to my eyes... it is touching to see them grow, it's amazing that I could contribute to that.

I feel honoured, I feel grateful, this brings me joy

(My Artfarm can be found on Instagram as Artfarm Tanya 162)

Hello, my name is Sasha (derived from Aleksandra - this is how it's shortened in my culture), you can also call me Sash or Sashe or Sash-Sash...
Right now, I live in the Hungarian puszta, in the countryside, surrounded with trees & fields, quite different from my Baltic harbour hometown in North Europe and the metropolis that is London.

I grow my own vegetables, host summer events and of course - paint.
In 2016 I started my journey towards sustainability, this is what brought me here, to the previously unheard of village of Csólyospálos. From the hectic big city life to the peaceful setting of the countryside.

Little did I know, living closer to nature, learning new ways, clearing my body from physical toxins of modern life, switching from business and crowding to so much stillness in my environment would not only make my body stronger, but also provide a serious mental detox, as being alone with myself & alone with my partner for extended periods of time brought out our truth, tested us and took me through long months of shadow work and all kinds of physical & mental detox.

I realised later that my whole life's journey has been all about becoming the healthiest most authentic version of myself. Once I started living this way, I also came to the realisation that the way I paint should change as well and become more natural, more sustainable and so I began exploring work with pigments and egg tempera.

Today, this journey carries me closer and closer to the purest, most ecological life I can live in daily activities, inter-personal communication, relationship with the Self. I learn many lessons on this path and I put this energy into my art.

I hope to validate those who have felt similar things in life with the imagery I choose for my paintings and to inspire my viewers to rediscover their personal strength

 

Victimhood

This piece is about accepting abusive behaviour, holding onto the abuser unable to let go, despite the negative impact on life.

The character in this painting injects abuse like a drug into their arm. The receiving arm is tied with a ribbon that has a blue sky and white clouds pattern on it, as the victim constantly hopes that it will get better after yet another cycle of abuse. Spinning  around this action there are colours purple & yellow, contrasting. Echoing euphoria and suffering, pleasure and pain, perfection and chaos...

If you ever participated in a conversation about abuse in couples chances are you’ve heard some version of the sentence “How can someone stay in a relationship like that, why won’t they leave?” Maybe you had even said it yourself.
In my life experience, sadly, all of this had been the story, until around 2021, and hence I'm here to tell you all about it.

I learnt the answer to this question first hand. I've been on both side of this question. Like many, I wondered how it was possible.

The truth of an abusive relationship is that it isn't, believe it or not, an all-bad experience – if it was, leaving would indeed be easy. Like all relationships it goes though many phases, the victim is hyper-idealised by the abuser in the ‘honeymoon phase’, much more than in a normal relationship, it is akin to a fairytale, it feels like finding your perfect partner, the one, a soulmate, love of your life... you name it. The feelings are intense, much stronger, vivid and the experiences are truly unforgettable. Every other partnership pales in comparison.

All the pleasure hormones are triggered in that time, the victim gets ‘hooked’, just like in a drug addiction, and the abuse cycle begins. The abuser withholds the 'reward' (more pleasure hormones) to manipulate the victim (often subconsciously), gives it out in fractions and gradually reduces the amount. The victim is left hoping for more and in the context of the relationship - tried to get the "good times" back, the ones that they had at the very start.

The abuser blames the victim for both their doings in a conflict and though it may seem incredibly out of place, the victim still feels guilty and seeks reconciliation as fast as possible, trying to bring satisfaction to the abuser in every way that they can - bring back the good times, bring back the pleasure. This gives the abuser a feeling of being in control, so the victim is rewarded & the cycle continues.

Once I started my journey towards recovery, I realised that this was not the only experience with a similar dynamic in my life. My subconscious ‘agreement’ to accept inappropriate, even harmful behaviour from people had been extending beyond my romantic relationships. I was attracting psychological abusers into my friendships as well.

I was brought up to accept mistreatment, with the mentality that victimhood is a mark of ‘goodness’ in a person. I felt compelled to accept inappropriate treatment from others so they don't get angry or so that I don't feel like the bad person.
I would forgive my partner and stay in a relationship despite the repetition of the same wrongdoings. I naturally compromised my personal boundaries just so he didn’t get upset & make a scene. I was the first one to apologise even when it was clearly not my fault, because I couldn’t stand being ignored for hours if not days, only to receive more blame, guilt trips or aggression in return.

My mind was fixated on my partner. All I could think about was finding ways to please him or avoid getting him angry. I was not living my own life, I had no time for that, no mind space to even think about it. Just looking for the next ‘fix’.

Luckily, I got a chance to recognise these things, thanks to my ever supportive brother. Then, through many hours of research and soul-searching I found that psychologists and spiritual teachers alike advised getting out of the victim role, a role I didn't even know I was playing, “as long as you're the victim they are the tyrant” was the statement I came across repeatedly.
The message of the world to me read: part of this was my responsibility.

The first step however was to recognise the damage.

The hardest thing about these situations is to see that there is indeed a problem.
There was a real, objective problem in the relationship that I considered to be the best one I ever had, the love of my life, a fairytale. The biggest disillusionment till then.

I started recognising victim patterns gradually within myself. My progress was slow. Much like in a rehab, with relapses into old habits. I had to learn to say ‘no’ and to set boundaries. I had to get him out of my routines. I had to break our usual communication patterns. I had to learn that the ‘reward’ was not the only real part of the relationship and it was certainly not worth the suffering. There was a strong temptation to re-experience the fairytale that was never real. The pull towards him was powerful.

Eventually, I made a choice between myself and him. It was time to focus on my own life. Getting 'off the needle' slowly, just like in a rehab. What came later is the most beautiful rediscovery of myself.

I dedicate this piece to those still in the victim role. I hope you recognise the situation you are in and remember who you truly are. You have the power to break free. Take that power back into your hands